As you have no doubt been informed by friends who are fans of (insert any school other than Alabama here), Nick Saban’s tenure in Alabama will be short.  Even though that he has made exactly one lateral/”backwards” move in his life (from Miami back to college football) which he has thoroughly explained (he missed college football terribly and was pretty much miserable as a pro coach), he’s obviously just itching to make another move.  Thousands of rival fans can’t be wrong.

If he doesn’t leave on his own, we will no doubt fire him, as several national media personalities predicted.  A quick scan of any Alabama fan forum will reveal that, as a whole, we are getting sick and tired of this outsider already and yearn for another “Alabama man” like Mike DuBose or Mike Shula…just savvy and in-touch talking heads such as Dan Le Batard predicted.

Not this Alabama Man.

So, when the Ramblin’ Man packs up and leaves Title Town, where is he headed?  Our spies in and around the Alabama athletic complex have sifted through trash bags, eavesdropped on private conversations, and bribed numerous sanitation engineers to formulate this probable list of Saban’s possible destinations:

1. Louisiana State University: This has been Saban’s most likely next-move since he was first introduced to the fans at an Alabama/LSU basketball game (of all places!).  The clues were immediately evident.  Examine the photo below.  First of all, Saban is clearly making a backwards “L” with his left hand.  Although few Alabamians picked up on this subtle hint, our team of crack Swamp Scholars inform us that this is a Creole distress symbol meaning, “Get me back to Louisiana.”  Compare the Saban picture to the similar portrait of New Orleans native and noted house haunter Pierre Gustave Toutant Beauregard.  Although his right hand is out of the frame, there is an excellent chance that he maybe is doing the L thing with his hand.  Possibly.  At least you can’t prove that he’s NOT doing the L thing with his hand.



Furthermore, the look at the shirt Saban is wearing. It’s kinda purple. Yes, I know we’re talking about a guy who just owns that one grey suit and who routinely wears circa 1987 sweaters to press conferences…but it’s still kinda purple.  Now, LSU fans are probably saying about now, “Why would we want Nick Saban?  We’ve got Les Freakin Miles!”  But you Bayou Bengals can’t tell me that you wouldn’t welcome Coach Saban back as a defensive backs coach after he predictably tanks the upcoming season as rich vein of Shula-recruited talent continues to dry up.

2. The Dallas Cowboys: When rumors swirled that current Dallas babysitter Wade Phillips might get the boot after another disappointing season, message boards filled with hopeful scenarios where Saban would apparently forget the whole, “I didn’t like the NFL,” thing and go back to the NFL.  Of course, anyone who wants to work for Jerry Jones has to be fairly subservient and docile, and if there’s any two words that describes Nick Saban perfectly, those words are subservient and docile.  If Saban bolts for Dallas, look for him to bring former protege Will Muschamp along as defensive coordinator/Auburn coach in waiting.
3. The Oakland Raiders: This actually isn’t likely at all, but I did want to make you look at this picture:


Former Raiders Coach Lane Kiffin smiles as he looks on his first real pirate.

4. Notre Dame: Alabama fans breathed a collective sigh of relief when it was announced that Notre Dame would continue to stand behind noted miserable failure Charlie Weis for yet another depressing season.  There’s no doubt that their worst fears could be realized if that position ever opened, as Notre Dame has multiple advantages over an Alabama job that is of obvious questionable quality.  Most of all, the move would get master recruiter Saban out of the talent-barren Southeast and into the bosom of football greatness…Indiana.  With Alabama moving again to make Bryant-Denny Stadium into a yet bigger garish monstrosity, the average attendance at an Alabama game may soon reach the 100,000 fan mark.  The notoriously shy Saban would no doubt appreciate the more intimate feel of Notre Dame Stadium (which houses just over 80,000 half frozen Golden Domers).
5. Duke University: Hey…it worked for Wallace Wade.