It's a Process, Aight?
Cheatin’ Bammer
Where Is Duron Carter’s Transcript?
Aug 23rd
He is still not at practice. The transcript still isn’t here. WHERE IS IT?
- Hiding in Al Capone’s vault with the Third Party Bagman
- Charles Robinson’s briefcase
- In a stack of papers with Dennis Franchione’s new contract
- Held for questioning regarding a bar fight in Baton Rogue
- In Pandora’s Box with Nick Saban’s fashion sense, Les Miles’s coherence, and Barrett Trotter’s talent
Craig Sanders Introduces Auburn to “Big Time Recruiting” (UPDATED)
May 20th
It was said by some (cough, cough) that upon the hiring of Gene Chizik (COUGH, COUGH) and Trooper Taylor (COUGH, WHEEZE, COUGH, HACK, COUGH) that Auburn was about to enter the world of “Big Time Recruiting.”
Despite the fact that I know of no school who has finished in the Rivals Top 5 anytime in the last few years that used recruiting strategies such as riding around one state in a bad promnight ride wearing equally bad bowling shirts during almost an entire evaluation period, you had to give them credit for their ingenuity. Wait…ingenuity isn’t the word I was really going for…oh, yes…their lack of shame. You have to give them credit for their lack of shame.
One of the first stops on the “prowl” was at tiny Ariton High School, where the Auburn staff and their ridiculous shirts (one of which Chizik saw fit to wear to Ross Bridge…Coach, please stop by the clubhouse and take a look around to get a clue about proper golf attire…you’re not in Ames, anymore) tried to work that SuperLuperTrooper magic on 4 Star DE Craig Sanders.
Well…he commited to Alabama tonight.
Auburn fan reactions: “We didn’t want him anyway. Our coaches just happened to be on their way to visit the Boll Weevil monument, and they thought he’d feel bad if they didn’t at least stop by.”
All I can say is, “I’m glad you guys enjoyed the monument.” Who said you can’t chest-bump a statue?

UPDATE (11:50 PM, May 19, 2009): We have just received information that the boll weevil has committed to Auburn. Congrats to the Tigers on their big time pickup.
Countering “The Limo”
May 2nd
As you have now heard ad nauseum from the Auburn fans that cut your grass, wash your car, artificially inseminate your AKC registered Yorkshire Terrier, and sell you peaches from the back of their truck, Chizik’s got a limo. Well, actually Chizik doesn’t have a limo. Some rental company has limo(s), and every day Chizik and crew don matching bowling shirts, rent said limo, visit high schools, and generally bask in a great sense of accomplishment.
Of course, when all this foolishness is over, Auburn fans still have to reconcile themselves with facts like…say…your head coach is still Gene Chizik.
And then there’s that other fact about Alabama’s coach still being…yeah, that guy.
Face it, Tide fans. Nick Saban isn’t going to pull a stunt like loading up his entire coaching staff in one car and visiting one school at a time while his closest opponent’s staff is hitting multiple states at once. But if he were to decide to need to impress 17 year olds via his vehicle (other than, say, sending ridiculous numbers of players to the NFL), you can bet that he wouldn’t do doing it with a rental. He also wouldn’t be doing it with a car that’s most obvious emotional ploy to the recruits is to remind theme of their junior prom. No, Saban would do it with style. With pizazz. With full utilization of his fabulous wealth and universally accepted dominance over the majority of now-living homo sapiens. After picking a name for his…uhm…what sounds as stupid as “Tiger Prowl”…his elephant walk? Wait….that’s no good…his “Nick Saban’s Incredible Ethereal Recruitingfestacular”, we think he might consider the following vehicle choices:
An Original DeLorean

You think that original Lincoln Towncar limo is old school? Well, peep this, you circa 1997 radical dudes. The DeLorean is outfitted with extra-high opening doors to accommodate recruits in the nature of DJ Fluker, custom hideaway front tag area decoration (that can open to say, “Aight”, “Move or Be Processed”, “The SelfGratifier”, or the above shown, “Swagga”), and state of the art GPS navagation system to track Operation Red Dog operatives who might be on his trail. Oh, and of course it has a flux capacitor fueled solely by Saban’s rage.
Saturn V Rocket

What else says, “We want you,” to a recruit like spending $500,000 in rocket fuel to fly from Tuscaloosa to Reform, Alabama? Nothing, that’s what. When not being used for recruiting purposes, this can also be used to fly Alabama quarterbacks to dangerous hunting trips to Argentina. Have you heard the rumors about Alabama acquiring the Bryce Hospital grounds to build more dorms? Not dorms, my friends. Launch pads.
Rocket Car

Some other SEC coaches have actually toyed with this idea, but Saban’s the only one small enough to actually fit in it.
Bullet Train

Now this is really “old school meets new school”. It can top out at speeds of 150 MPH, runs on a standard gauge rail, and has a club car filled with stadium dogs and BBQ nachos. The current plan is to lay track that runs directly in front of every SEC-caliber athlete producing high school in the southeast, although if this isn’t feasible this beauty may be retrofitted as a hovercraft. That might actually work out better, as then Coach could take it out on the lake for his 15 minutes he schedules every Sunday morning at 4 A.M. for “me time.”
The Millennium Falcon

Yeah, that’s right, the Millennium Falcon. It’s not real? Oh, really? Well, it wasn’t, before Saban built one from scratch in his own garage. We’re not exactly sure where he got a hyperdrive, and honestly, we’re sorta afraid to ask. It is yet to be confirmed if the Wookie he’s planning on taking on recruting trips is going to count as another coach by the NCAA.
10 Things We Love About A-Day: #3 – Opponent Attendance Estimates
Apr 18th

There’s nothing funnier than the annual reports of 45-50 thousand attendees from certain non-Alabama spring football extravaganzas…and then seeing the video on the ten o’clock news that shows the game was about as well attended as their coach’s motivational seminar, “Coaching in the Big 12: I Was Doin’ It Wrong.”
This is followed up by the workplace taunts the weekend after the game, including, “You lyin’ Bammer…I saw the pictures. You didn’t have 90 thousand. You had 70 thousand at most.”
File that one away with, “You’ve only got 6 national championships.” 6 > 0.5, 70K > 45K. PSA for the sociology majors out there: that little arrow thingy means “greater than”.
Stuff From Around the SEC
Apr 16th
Mississippi State is putting lipstick on the proverbial pig…
Am I still allowed to say that after the last election? Anyway, the Bulldogs have a new coach, and now they have new uniforms (Rivals has the picture here). I’m sure that’ll be a huge help.
Why would you allude to your rival on your own bumper?
Alabama Got a Commitment from a Rivals 100 Quarterback
Yeah, I didn’t make a separate post on it because you all know it already, and I’m here to make fun of things and create clever plays on words, not to report news. But it is great news. Read about it here.
Watch this, because it’s enjoyable.
Breaking News on Alabama’s Upcoming Death Penalty Extravaganza
Apr 15th
As many of you Alabama fans may have read, and most of you Auburn fans know for sure, since it appears virtually every Auburn fan in the state has a common law cousin that works in the innermost sanctum of Alabama athletics, Alabama will soon be receiving a PLOI from the NCAA about recruiting violations. Mass recruiting violations. Hideous, disturbing, and frightening violations that would make Charles Manson gag and Jerry Tarkanian laugh maniacally.
You know what? No Kool-Aid here. You got us, AU. Despite the fact that Nick Saban has never been scrutinized for a major NCAA violation in his entire coaching tenure, it was obvious that Alabama simply doesn’t have the tradition, facilities, and as we saw last year, ability to compete on the national stage that is necessary to pull back to back #1 recruiting classes. We were downright silly to think that we could pull off such brazen theft of so many recruits who would have otherwise chosen the stable, loving environment that has been Auburn University the last two years.
So here it is. I’m going to confess to everything we’ve done. Operation Red Dog operatives…please remove your SpyTech secret message pad now…you’re going to want to write this down (in invisible ink).

First of all, let’s start with the most obvious violations. Julio Jones, the #1 recruit in the state in 2008, would have obviously been a Tiger if not for our blatant cheating. I have it on good authority that Saban personally delivered over $50 in McDonald’s gift cards to the young man’s home the night before signing day. I don’t think it needs to be said, in BIG TIME recruiting (have you guys copyrighted that phrase yet?), free Big n’ Tasty’s talk.
Of course, you’ve got the Gadsden 3. We’ve all heard the rumors…free Crimson Dodge Chargers for everyone…because we’re obviously so stupid that we buy all our recruits from the same city matching cars of the same make, model, and color. Well, you were half right, Super Sleuths of the Southeast. We got them Batmobiles. Yes, friends, freakin’ Batmobiles, and I’m not talking the prissy Brit Christian Bale Batmobiles, either.

I know we’re operating with a spirit of full disclosure here, but I hesitate to even tell you people what we got Trent Richardson. I mean…the virgin ears of true Auburn men are not accustomed to hearing such tales of ethical missteps and devil-may-care bravado.
Since I don’t think I can even type this without being overcome by shame and regret, I’ll simply copy and paste the email sent to all Red Elephant Club operatives about the delivery:
TOP SECRET. RE: OPERATION EMMITT SMITH. DELIVERY IMMEDIATE. 1 JET (LEARJET 60XR). 1 FABREGE EGG (ROMANOV TERCENTENARY), 2 LLAMAS (“GLADYS” and “MAXIMILIAN”), AND 1 ORIGINAL PAUL W. BRYANT HOUNDSTOOTH HAT FOR SIGNING CEREMONY. FEED LLAMAS UPON ARRIVAL.
We shall suffer greatly for this, I know…but the look in young Trent’s eyes when he rode Maximilian for the first time almost makes up for it.
There it is, my Orange and Blue friends. All our indiscretions, described in detail, ready for delivery to Indianapolis. Once again, you can restore order to the college football world, and honor to your fallen hero. Once again, his farewell message to the world will mean more than the number games you managed to lose last year.

