Cheatin’ Bammer

As you have now heard ad nauseum from the Auburn fans that cut your grass, wash your car, artificially inseminate your AKC registered Yorkshire Terrier, and sell you peaches from the back of their truck, Chizik’s got a limo. Well, actually Chizik doesn’t have a limo. Some rental company has limo(s), and every day Chizik and crew don matching bowling shirts, rent said limo, visit high schools, and generally bask in a great sense of accomplishment.

Of course, when all this foolishness is over, Auburn fans still have to reconcile themselves with facts like…say…your head coach is still Gene Chizik.

And then there’s that other fact about Alabama’s coach still being…yeah, that guy.

Face it, Tide fans.  Nick Saban isn’t going to pull a stunt like loading up his entire coaching staff in one car and visiting one school at a time while his closest opponent’s staff is hitting multiple states at once.  But if he were to decide to need to impress 17 year olds via his vehicle (other than, say, sending ridiculous numbers of players to the NFL), you can bet that he wouldn’t do doing it with a rental.  He also wouldn’t be doing it with a car that’s most obvious emotional ploy to the recruits is to remind theme of their junior prom.  No, Saban would do it with style.  With pizazz.  With full utilization of his fabulous wealth and universally accepted dominance over the majority of now-living homo sapiens.  After picking a name for his…uhm…what sounds as stupid as “Tiger Prowl”…his elephant walk?  Wait….that’s no good…his “Nick Saban’s Incredible Ethereal Recruitingfestacular”, we think he might consider the following vehicle choices:

An Original DeLorean

You think that original Lincoln Towncar limo is old school?  Well, peep this, you circa 1997 radical dudes.  The DeLorean is outfitted with extra-high opening doors to accommodate recruits in the nature of DJ Fluker, custom hideaway front tag area decoration (that can open to say, “Aight”, “Move or Be Processed”, “The SelfGratifier”, or the above shown, “Swagga”), and state of the art GPS navagation system to track Operation Red Dog operatives who might be on his trail.  Oh, and of course it has a flux capacitor fueled solely by Saban’s rage.

Saturn V Rocket

What else says, “We want you,” to a recruit like spending $500,000 in rocket fuel to fly from Tuscaloosa to Reform, Alabama?  Nothing, that’s what.  When not being used for recruiting purposes, this can also be used to fly Alabama quarterbacks to dangerous hunting trips to Argentina.  Have you heard the rumors about Alabama acquiring the Bryce Hospital grounds to build more dorms?  Not dorms, my friends.  Launch pads.

Rocket Car

Some other SEC coaches have actually toyed with this idea, but Saban’s the only one small enough to actually fit in it.

Bullet Train

Now this is really “old school meets new school”.  It can top out at speeds of 150 MPH, runs on a standard gauge rail, and has a club car filled with stadium dogs and BBQ nachos.  The current plan is to lay track that runs directly in front of every SEC-caliber athlete producing high school in the southeast, although if this isn’t feasible this beauty may be retrofitted as a hovercraft.  That might actually work out better, as then Coach could take it out on the lake for his 15 minutes he schedules every Sunday morning at 4 A.M. for “me time.”

The Millennium Falcon

Yeah, that’s right, the Millennium Falcon.  It’s not real?  Oh, really?  Well, it wasn’t, before Saban built one from scratch in his own garage.  We’re not exactly sure where he got a hyperdrive, and honestly, we’re sorta afraid to ask.  It is yet to be confirmed if the Wookie he’s planning on taking on recruting trips is going to count as another coach by the NCAA.