Fahrometer

The bands have their trumpets greased just right, the concession prices have been raised the obligatory 42% over last year’s already back breaking sum, and the temperature in Alabama dipped just under 183 degrees one day this week.  It’s time for some football.

As promised, BryantDrive.com will be publishing a weekly feature called THE FAHROMETER, where we will tell you exactly how hot each coaching seat in the SEC is.  Well…not exactly.  As exact as it can be with a rating system that uses beer that sells for eight dollars a barrel.  We will be looking at every coach, every week…so be sure to tell your non-Alabama friends (after you’ve paid them for washing your car) to check in weekly to see how much of a message board meltdown they need to be having.

Remember, the rating system ranges from 1/2 to 5 Beast Ice Cans.  1/2, and you probably have a statue.  5, and your athletic director probably just made a public statement about, “Reviewing the direction of the program after the season’s conclusion.”  Now, let’s get to it…

WEST

Is seems funny to say if you suffered through being a Tide football fan for the lean years before Nick Saban arrived, but is there any more secure seat in the nation than the one inherited by our favorite (only?) West Virginian of Croatian descent?  Even a…cough…bad loss to Auburn, the death knell of several Tide coaches, wouldn’t make Tide fans even consider getting rid of the man who has taken their program from Shulasville, Population Unnumbered Tears to the top of the rankings, oh, about 100% of the time.  FAHROMETER READING:

Bobby Petrino did what he was hired to do last year.  Get the Razorbacks to a BCS Bowl while looking as snarky and constipated as possible.  Now, he has a promising young quarterback, a pre-season All-SEC running back, the league’s most experienced group of receivers, and all the hype that goes along with it.  He also supposedly has a pretty good defense now, which is sort of out of character for him, but we’ll see.  We’ll also see if his offense is even better with a quarterback that can stop thinking about putting new subwoofers in the back of his Corolla to not throw late game interceptions.  Either way, he’s secure at the moment.  FAHROMETER READING:

Gene Chizik.  You know what they did.  I don’t want to talk about it.  FAHROMETER READING:

Whoa boy.  Les Miles sure has had a rough last couple of weeks.  First, he finds out that his starting quarterback may or may not have curbstomped a Marine.  Then, said quarterback has his apartment searched for evidence.  THEN, one of his starting wide receivers is suspended for who-knows-how-long for NCAA rules violations.  T H E N, he learns that the groundskeepers in Tiger Stadium have switched the fertilizer from cherry flavor to the more traditional manure flavor.  Still, he should have a pretty strong team this year, although he will again fail to express his feelings about any of this in anything approaching English.  FAHROMETER READING:

Why is Dan Mullen looking all puzzled in this picture?  He’s probably trying to figure out why Mississippi State fans believe him to be the second coming of Urban Meyer based on his 0-8 record against SEC West teams not nickname “Rebels,” “Black Bears,” or “Generic Nonoffensive Mascot Here.”  In all seriousness, though, he did turn in a season last year that Bulldog fans could be proud of…and when we say “proud,” we mean, “Good enough to almost justify running around in a cowbell induced delirium.”  The current reading could rise dramatically if he keeps stealing his linemen’s gloves in cold weather.  FAHROMETER READING:

Houston Nutt must be a huge John Calapari fan, because he has embraced the “one and done” system with gusto.  Last year, he thought it most wise to destroy any semblance of team chemistry by thrusting Jeremiah Masoli into running his mostly pro-style offense…the worst fit in Oxford since previous coach Crazy Ed insisted on wearing size medium coaching shirts.  This year, it looks like West Virginia transfer Barry Brunetti will be under center.  Yeah, we know, Brunetti’s just a sophomore, but we have no reason to believe that Houston will go find another outcast to pilot the Black Bear Colonel Rebel offense next season.  If there is a next season, that is, because Nutt’s seat is hot, and the following are ice cold….  FAHROMETER READING:

EAST

Urban Meyer is gone.  No, seriously, he’s gone for good this time.  In his place, Will Muschamp leads the boys from Gainesville.  Gone, too, is the spread option attack, replaced by the pro style offense favored by Muschamp’s former Guru, one Nick Saban.  Yeah, Trey Burton’s a fullback.  Sure he is.  5’8” tailbacks running the power lead?  No problem.  At any rate, the man can coach some defense, and with a great pedigree, a welcome return to normalcy after two years of expecting their coach’s esophagus to explode at any moment, and high hopes leading into the year, Gator fans seem poised to give Boom plenty of time.  FAHROMETER READING:

Oh, Mark Richt.  Things were never quite the same after “The Blackout,” were they?  All that NFL talent on offense, those oh-so-special black jerseys, and an Alabama team that struggled with lowly Tulane.  What could have ever gone wrong?  This year, The Dogs will whip out special jerseys again…jerseys apparently designed by Nike personnel taking advantage of lax enforcement of Oregon marijuana laws.  Georgia is coming off a disappointing season that ended in an embarrassing bowl loss to a directional Florida school, AJ Green is gone, and the hopes of the Silver Pants’ed nation lies in the hands of a freshman tailback.  The rating below would be higher, if not for Georgia fans’ remarkable ability to embrace the mediocre.  FAHROMETER READING:

Hey, look, it’s Joker Phillips.  You know Joker, right?  He’s actually a pretty dang good coach, as was his predecessor.  He’s also at a school at which football games are a great excuse to introduce the basketball team at halftime to roaring applause.  He could do well.  He could not.  Nobody will notice.  He gets the extra half can on the off chance that he interferes with Midnight Madness somehow.  FAHROMETER READING:

He’s Steve Spurrier.  He got USCe to the SEC championship game last year.  He beat Alabama.  He has recruited some really good players.  He could come out to coach every weekend in the outfit pictured above, fall asleep during the 3rd quarter, and be observed placing bets on the opposing team on his Blackberry, and he still couldn’t get canned.  FAHROMETER READING:

With Janzen Jackson set to lead Derek Dooley’s defense into 201……oh, wait a minute.  Well, at least you have to give Dooley credit for kicking a kid off the team that would have been on the streets with most coaches a year and a half ago.  On the performance front, most Tennessee fans realize that Dooley will need time to throw some water on the dumpster fire that was set ablaze by Lane Kiffin on his way to the airport to catch his one way flight to Los Angeles.  On the reality front, however, there will still be some Vol fans that expect him to instantly recapture the days when, you know, Phil Fulmer was more concerned with winning and less concerned with getting Alabama on probation.  FAHROMETER READING:

Finally, we get to Vandy’s Coach.  We have no idea what his name is.  We could Google it, I guess.  But that would require work, and our drink is almost empty, and it’s late…you know how it goes.  Vandy’s season outlook is, uhm….well, about like every other Vandy season outlook in the history of time.  But the fans are excited about…uhm…well…maybe…I don’t know, Thursday Evening Book Club?  FAHROMETER READING:

And those are your week 1 FAHROMETER readings.  Check in next Monday night to see if your coach is closer to the Crystal Football or the business end of a U-Haul truck.