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September 16, 2011 9:37 am via webReplyRetweetFavorite

@CecilHurt

Cecil Hurt

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After a long, agonizing wait, the first weekend of college football has come and gone…and with it, we had a few surprises, and a lot of “they were who we thought they weres.”  More importantly, we have definitely had some Fahrometer movement due to the weekend’s proceedings.  Let’s take a look at whose office-with-an-automatically-closing-door is safe, and who should possibly be contacting moving companies in the greater Oxford and/or Athens metros.

WEST

Alabama and Coach Nick Saban had a pretty easy go of it, playing a Kent State team that would have had a tough time scoring at a UT hostess party with a 55 gallon drum of Rohypnol had More Out of Favor QB not given them the ball at the one inch line.  The defense looked like the horrific monstrosity it was advertised to be, and even though some fans are complaining, the offense covered a 40+ point line.  And he was delightfully annoyed, as always, in his post game interview.  Swoon.  FAHROMETER READING:

Bobby Petrino and his Hogs beat the crap out of some directional FCS team that hasn’t won 10 games since 1989.  I know we all play our cupcakes, but Bobby, COME ON.  Nevertheless, glorified practices against players half as good as your scout team always delights the foam-pig-hat-wearing proletariat.  FAHROMETER READING:

Gene Chizik. You somehow beat Utah State after being down by 10 with like 3 minutes to play.  That is both the good news and the bad news.  Still, you remain secure until you actually lose some games, at which point you’ll no doubt be discarded in favor of de facto head coach Gus Malzahn.  FAHROMETER READING:

Does anyone handle adversity better than Les Miles?  And by handle, I mean, “Talk about nonsensically and then proceed to do his job anyway.”  Going against the perennial overrated Oregon Ducks and all four plays in Chip Kelley’s playbook, the Tigers showed the nation that, no matter who they’re playing, their team has a really good defense and is really, really physical.  What’s new, right?  Oh, well, the following is new.  Les gives us our first movement, dropping half a can.  FAHROMETER READING:

Dan Mullen, I swear on an original pack of Bear Bryant’s Chesterfields, if you let Auburn beat you after what they looked like this week, I will give you 5 Beast Ice 40’s next week, and I won’t think twice about it.  FAHROMETER READING:

While watching the BYU/Ole Miss game today, I couldn’t help thinking, “I sort of want BYU to win this for no other reason than Fahrometer purposes.”  Let’s examine Houston Nutt’s performance in this game, shall we?  First, he starts a transfer quarterback that struggled to compete in the Big East (after, to his credit, benching his starter after a bar fight related arrest).  Then, he shows his confidence in said QB by letting him throw the ball exactly 3 times before benching him in favor of third string Zach Stoudt.  Stoudt gets to throw the ball 25 times, which is fine, but one would think you’d want your…you know…quarterback who can throw ahead of your quarterback who lacks that ability.  Anyway, through no fault of his own, he then loses both his 1st and 2nd string tailbacks, perhaps for the season.  Put all of this in the oven, turn to high, giggity giggity, and you score 6 offensive points against BYU and lose after your QB shows, I suppose, why he was 3rd string to begin with.  Believe me, I’d like to go full 5 year, but Nutt’s several Houdini like escapes in the past prevent this.  An extra half-can goes on the pile, though… FAHROMETER READING:

EAST

Will Muschamp and Florida thrashed Florida Atlantic.  After the game, he and quarterback John Brantley giggled while trying to decide which is funnier:  Howard Schnellenberger’s nose, or Charlie Weis’s frontbutt.  FAHROMETER READING:

Dear Mark Richt : Let me tell you what I did tonight.  I, as a purported fan of SEC style football…changed the channel on my television set from the one featuring your soft, lackadaisical, and generally confused team to COLORADO VERSUS FREAKING HAWAII to try to see some actual entertaining and engaging play.  The 35-21 final score of the Boise State/Georgia game belies the true spectacle of the contest.  Oh, and it also belies the general consensus on Georgia message boards at this late hour.  Next week, Richt’s Bulldogs draw South Carolina at home.  Lose that one, and we may be looking at our first full Five Can Reading of the Fahrometer’s short history.   FAHROMETER READING:

Hey, look, it’s still Joker Phillips. His team won perhaps the worst FBS football game since Auburn defeated MSU 3-2.  However, we can draw some positives from the game relative to Coach Phillips’s job security.  1)  He still coaches at Kentucky.  2)  He still coaches football, not basketball.  3)  Ergo, no one cares.  FAHROMETER READING:

Steve Spurrier got a tad cute by starting Conner Shaw over Garcia, and thus spotted East Carolina 17 points before ending up with a comfortable 56-37 win.  The game will go next to the word “sloppy” in the football dictionary, with each team losing four fumbles, and the Gamecock defense looked incredibly porous at times.  Still, they play Georgia next week, and a least they have that going for them.  FAHROMETER READING:

Derek Dooley’s UT team beat Montana tonight.  I didn’t know Montana had a football team.  Good for Montana.  Also, did you know that Montana’s governor is a hyper-evolved buffalo?  FAHROMETER READING:

Vandy’s Coach started his career by winning a game 45-17 despite being outgained by a FCS team 323 yards to 309, 17 first downs to 16, and generally playing like Vanderbilt.  He did thrill the hundreds of Commodore fans by going for it on 4th down 3 times…successfully.  Good luck with that strategy when you play teams from colleges that have over 5000 students.  FAHROMETER READING:

Name: Dre “Swagtastic” Kirkpatrick

Hometown: Gad City

Current Residence: Swagga Island

Pimped Out Ride: Dodge Charger

Favorite Fashion Accessory:  Black, swagged out, Alabama Crimson Tide fitted cap that we swear is not an Atlanta Braves cap

Second Favorite Fashion Accessory:  Coach Nick Saban’s Hat

Best Corner Ever?: The Philadelphia Eagles would have already signed him if they could