It's a Process, Aight?
The Process
The Reverend Doctor Has Something To Say
Oct 4th
Florida didn’t learn their lesson, and the Dark Lord had to put it on them again. The Reverend Doctor has the full story at, of course…
Top Three Impact Freshmen
Sep 21st
The following three true freshmen, in no particular order, have made the most impact throughout the first three games.
- Christion Jones
Most thought that the 3-Star out of Minor would redshirt this season and be on the defensive side of the ball throughout his Crimson Tide career. Most were wrong. The double deuce Jones has found his way in the regular receiver rotation. He caught passes against Kent State and North Texas, while having a pass attempted his way against Penn State. Additionally, he has contributed on special teams by being either the 2nd or 3rd string punt returner. It will be interesting to see how often Jones sees the field as we enter SEC play this Saturday.
- Trey Depriest
Everyone knew that Depriest would be a contributor. The question was how much. Depriest has settled in as a special teams regular, even making some headlines with other special teams standout Vinnie Sunseri. As expected, Depriest appears to be on track to be a regular on the inside of the defense in a season or two.
- Vinnie Sunseri
Sunseri did not get an offer because his daddy is on the staff. He got an offer because he loves to hit people and is a solid player. Even though he has made his name by laying the lumber on special teams, the most impressive accomplishment is likely that Sunseri has appeared to crack the 2nd string once the Alabama defense goes to a nickel or dime package. Although we are probably not going to see the 2nd team defense take the field that often for the remainder of the season, we know that Sunseri and his pal Depriest will continue to be impact performers on special teams.
Meet the 2009 Starters: #5 – Roy Upchurch, Running Back
May 20th
Image: RollTide.com
Full Name: Roy Elman E. Upchurch
Actual Starting Status: Was making his case for best overall back on the team last year before a neck injury ended his season. He and Mark Ingram are probably 1A and 1B. Or maybe they’re A1 and A2. They might possibly be “wishbone co-starters”. You never know what offense we’re going to come out in, Va Tech…we switch offenses every year, only to go back to our old offense when it’s not effec…wait, sorry, that’s not us.
Future Profession: Model for Armed Forces recruiting posters.
“I want you! No, not you. You in the third row. Hawaiian shirt. Yeah, you.
Self-Admitted Weakness: Can’t do “The Worm” nearly as well as Georgia LB Rennie Curran.
Meet the 2009 Starters: #4 – Marquis Maze, Wide Receiver
May 5th
Image: RollTide.com
Full Name: Marquis “XXXL” Maze
Actual Starting Status: Unclear, but he had a good A-Day, and let’s face it…at wide receiver, we have Julio, and then we have a lot of WR’s who aren’t hyperevolved human elites who feast on the tears and dreams of those that oppose them and do their own sports hernia surgeries with a pocket knife, a Zippo, and some fishing line.
Current Claim To Fame: Uhm…
Less Famous, But Still Utterly Impressive, Claim to Fame: Getting up and carrying on life after this…
Shares His Jersey Number With: Mark Barron
How You Can Tell Them Apart: Marquis is the one who’s not a safety that’s bigger than most linebackers we face. Also, he doesn’t answer to “Mark Barron.”
Listed Weight: 171 lbs. (right)
Percentage of Terrence Cody: Maze is exactly 47.5% of Terrence Cody.
Countering “The Limo”
May 2nd
As you have now heard ad nauseum from the Auburn fans that cut your grass, wash your car, artificially inseminate your AKC registered Yorkshire Terrier, and sell you peaches from the back of their truck, Chizik’s got a limo. Well, actually Chizik doesn’t have a limo. Some rental company has limo(s), and every day Chizik and crew don matching bowling shirts, rent said limo, visit high schools, and generally bask in a great sense of accomplishment.
Of course, when all this foolishness is over, Auburn fans still have to reconcile themselves with facts like…say…your head coach is still Gene Chizik.
And then there’s that other fact about Alabama’s coach still being…yeah, that guy.
Face it, Tide fans. Nick Saban isn’t going to pull a stunt like loading up his entire coaching staff in one car and visiting one school at a time while his closest opponent’s staff is hitting multiple states at once. But if he were to decide to need to impress 17 year olds via his vehicle (other than, say, sending ridiculous numbers of players to the NFL), you can bet that he wouldn’t do doing it with a rental. He also wouldn’t be doing it with a car that’s most obvious emotional ploy to the recruits is to remind theme of their junior prom. No, Saban would do it with style. With pizazz. With full utilization of his fabulous wealth and universally accepted dominance over the majority of now-living homo sapiens. After picking a name for his…uhm…what sounds as stupid as “Tiger Prowl”…his elephant walk? Wait….that’s no good…his “Nick Saban’s Incredible Ethereal Recruitingfestacular”, we think he might consider the following vehicle choices:
An Original DeLorean
You think that original Lincoln Towncar limo is old school? Well, peep this, you circa 1997 radical dudes. The DeLorean is outfitted with extra-high opening doors to accommodate recruits in the nature of DJ Fluker, custom hideaway front tag area decoration (that can open to say, “Aight”, “Move or Be Processed”, “The SelfGratifier”, or the above shown, “Swagga”), and state of the art GPS navagation system to track Operation Red Dog operatives who might be on his trail. Oh, and of course it has a flux capacitor fueled solely by Saban’s rage.
Saturn V Rocket
What else says, “We want you,” to a recruit like spending $500,000 in rocket fuel to fly from Tuscaloosa to Reform, Alabama? Nothing, that’s what. When not being used for recruiting purposes, this can also be used to fly Alabama quarterbacks to dangerous hunting trips to Argentina. Have you heard the rumors about Alabama acquiring the Bryce Hospital grounds to build more dorms? Not dorms, my friends. Launch pads.
Rocket Car
Some other SEC coaches have actually toyed with this idea, but Saban’s the only one small enough to actually fit in it.
Bullet Train
Now this is really “old school meets new school”. It can top out at speeds of 150 MPH, runs on a standard gauge rail, and has a club car filled with stadium dogs and BBQ nachos. The current plan is to lay track that runs directly in front of every SEC-caliber athlete producing high school in the southeast, although if this isn’t feasible this beauty may be retrofitted as a hovercraft. That might actually work out better, as then Coach could take it out on the lake for his 15 minutes he schedules every Sunday morning at 4 A.M. for “me time.”
The Millennium Falcon
Yeah, that’s right, the Millennium Falcon. It’s not real? Oh, really? Well, it wasn’t, before Saban built one from scratch in his own garage. We’re not exactly sure where he got a hyperdrive, and honestly, we’re sorta afraid to ask. It is yet to be confirmed if the Wookie he’s planning on taking on recruting trips is going to count as another coach by the NCAA.
An Open Letter to Coach Nick Saban
Apr 24th
Dear Coach Saban:
As you may know, many of us are very hurt by one of the comments you made in your post-Aday press conference. On that fateful day, you said this:
“I want our fans to understand that when they don’t have passion and energy for what we’re trying to accomplish, then it affects everyone. I think that last year’s team was a great example of that. For 13 weeks we had great positive energy, passion about what we’re doing. There’s very little interest from our fans, our players or anybody else to play in the Sugar Bowl, which to me is a tremendous opportunity. … Everybody’s embarrassed because of how we played. Well it’s because you didn’t have any passion for it, you didn’t have any interest in it, you didn’t have any enthusiasm to do it, and that’s across the board. And that’s not right. We go to a BCS bowl game, everybody ought to be positive and enthusiastic about what we’re doing.”
Like I said, Coach, many of us were really hurt by what you said. It hurt our hearts, it hurt our heads, it hurt our feelings. Why?
Because, Coach, we are mostly out of shape girly men who would cry to Sweet Jesus to come take us home if we had to endure five minutes of your practice. We are primarily guys that love Alabama, but sit at desks most of the day while you and the rest of the coaches are trying to figure out how to defeat the Cyborg known as Tebow. We don’t respond well to yelling. We wear argyle socks.
We scream “WATCH THE FAKE!” on every punt, and then boast to our wives, girlfriends, and cats the one time every three years that the other team actually runs a fake punt.
We know that quote was part of a bigger message…a message where you, in fact, praised the fans, as you have often done since taking over in January 2007. But that doesn’t matter. We have done surgery on your speech, we have dissected that particular quote, and darn it, we want an apology. You owe it to us. You owe it to us because…well, you make a lot more money than us. So there.
Your Friends,
The Fans
(P.S. Please don’t hurt us.)
It’s Not a Rumah! Phelon Jones to Alabama?
Apr 21st
Remember Phelon Jones?
That’s the current rumbling on TigerRant.
Jones, originally from Mobile, played in 9 of 12 games as a redshirt freshman for the Fighting Hats last year.