Bryant Drive

As many of you Alabama fans may have read, and most of you Auburn fans know for sure, since it appears virtually every Auburn fan in the state has a common law cousin that works in the innermost sanctum of Alabama athletics, Alabama will soon be receiving a PLOI from the NCAA about recruiting violations.  Mass recruiting violations.  Hideous, disturbing, and frightening violations that would make Charles Manson gag and Jerry Tarkanian laugh maniacally.

You know what?  No Kool-Aid here.  You got us, AU.  Despite the fact that Nick Saban has never been scrutinized for a major NCAA violation in his entire coaching tenure, it was obvious that Alabama simply doesn’t have the tradition, facilities, and as we saw last year, ability to compete on the national stage that is necessary to pull back to back #1 recruiting classes.  We were downright silly to think that we could pull off such brazen theft of so many recruits who would have otherwise chosen the stable, loving environment that has been Auburn University the last two years.

So here it is.  I’m going to confess to everything we’ve done.  Operation Red Dog operatives…please remove your SpyTech secret message pad now…you’re going to want to write this down (in invisible ink).

First of all, let’s start with the most obvious violations.  Julio Jones, the #1 recruit in the state in 2008, would have obviously been a Tiger if not for our blatant cheating.  I have it on good authority that Saban personally delivered over $50 in McDonald’s gift cards to the young man’s home the night before signing day.  I don’t think it needs to be said, in BIG TIME recruiting (have you guys copyrighted that phrase yet?), free Big n’ Tasty’s talk.

Of course, you’ve got the Gadsden 3.  We’ve all heard the rumors…free Crimson Dodge Chargers for everyone…because we’re obviously so stupid that we buy all our recruits from the same city matching cars of the same make, model, and color.  Well, you were half right, Super Sleuths of the Southeast.  We got them Batmobiles.  Yes, friends, freakin’ Batmobiles, and I’m not talking the prissy Brit Christian Bale Batmobiles, either.

I know we’re operating with a spirit of full disclosure here, but I hesitate to even tell you people what we got Trent Richardson.  I mean…the virgin ears of true Auburn men are not accustomed to hearing such tales of ethical missteps and devil-may-care bravado.

Since I don’t think I can even type this without being overcome by shame and regret, I’ll simply copy and paste the email sent to all Red Elephant Club operatives about the delivery:

TOP SECRET.  RE:  OPERATION EMMITT SMITH.  DELIVERY IMMEDIATE.  1 JET (LEARJET 60XR).  1 FABREGE EGG (ROMANOV TERCENTENARY), 2 LLAMAS (“GLADYS” and “MAXIMILIAN”), AND 1 ORIGINAL PAUL W. BRYANT HOUNDSTOOTH HAT FOR SIGNING CEREMONY.  FEED LLAMAS UPON ARRIVAL.

We shall suffer greatly for this, I know…but the look in young Trent’s eyes when he rode Maximilian for the first time almost makes up for it.

There it is, my Orange and Blue friends.  All our indiscretions, described in detail, ready for delivery to Indianapolis.  Once again, you can restore order to the college football world, and honor to your fallen hero.  Once again, his farewell message to the world will mean more than the number games you managed to lose last year.