Some of you may recall our not-very-well-thought-out alliance with a gentleman who called himself “The Reverend Doctor.” The Doc would delight us with Alabama game wrap-ups that read like an early Tolkien story, if Tolkien had huffed a it more mustard gas in WWI and also was an opium addict. Or maybe Beowulf if Grendel’s mother was Derek Dooley’s mom. Who knows. Well. He’s back. And his website is gone. So we’ll put it here. Because we continue to make bad decisions.
THE BATTLE OF THE LONE STAR
by the Reverend Doctor
It was in the Seventh Year of the Reign of the Dark Lord, and lo, his foes still shook in fear, as their soothsayers and seers had told them, “Worry not, for the Dark Lord tarries not. He shall depart from the Promised Lands before three winters’ snows fall.” But he Dark Lord had not departed, and ye, he had built for himself a mighty palace, and in its bowels he filled with many mighty men, and like the very Mountains of the East, waterfalls cascaded in its halls. And her he made his seat of power, and he called to sundry warriors of valor and strength, and they came to him.
It is said that in the sixth year of The Reign, the Dark Lord’s army marched hither and thither, conquering many lands and besting many foes, and they were ultimately recognized as all-conquering, and the kings and queens of all the land laid at their feet mystical crystals and rings of great worth, and they were deemed Champion of all the land which their eyes surveyed. But along this path, the Army Triumphant had skirmished with a force from west of the Great River, new as a foe and known not in the Promised Land, led by a general who the elders of the day saw and called, “magic.” Free were his ways, and off the field of battle he knew many pleasures, for his wealth was great and his conscience willing, and verily peddlers would come to him and give him gold and silver for his very seal. And in his land, upon which flag a Lone Star was borne, he was called a hero, though many throughout other lands despised him for his talent and his wealth. For the elders say that such a mighty man was he, that he could take strong drink upon a Friday night and upon Saturday morn, no greater solider could overcome him. And this mighty soldier met with the Dark Lord’s Army, and they fought, and lo, the Army of the Lone Star had the mastery. And though the Army Triumphant would tend their wounds meet victory in the end, their sleep was troubled with dreams of this soldier who had bested them.
And so it was that the Seventh Year began, and the Great Saban called to him his Princes, and his Captains, and his Generals, and his Jesters, and his Cooks, and his Horse Tenders, and his Beastmen, and his Courtiers, and all his Army Triumphant, and he said, “Make ready to march, for great shame has this man brought to us. Such a man is he that he sells his seal like a bag of grain, yet he holds over us the mastery? This cannot stand.” And one of the Princes there assembled said, “Oh Great Saban, whose anger knows no bound nor condition, why do we seek conflict with this man with whom we see no quarrel?” And Saban spake, “The weak man sees quarrel and says, ‘I do not wish conflict.’ The strong man sees no quarrel and says, ‘This will not do.’” And all assembled looked at one another, for they were confused, but they dared not seek clarification. And so the Dark Lord’s orders were heeded, and the Army made ready to mach far to the West.
But many under the Flag of the Lone Star heard of their coming, and many of their number assembled, and many great men from other lands too came, some hoping to see a grand battle, others hoping to see the Dark Lord’s final demise. And it came to pass that Dark Lord brought the Army to a great open field, and there they met the mighty soldier who had bested them again.
It is said that, at first, the mighty soldier was so furious in anger (for he took not insult well) that he launched an assault upon the Army Triumphant of which they had never seen the like. And their defenses crumbled, and the Dark Lord had to descend from his throne (carried by 15 strong lads) and rally his force to him. And he came before the fleeing soldiers, and he spake, “Fly not away, for the wrath that awaits ye on the field of battle compares not to the wrath of my hand.” And their very blood ran cold, and they proceeded back to the battlefield. And Saban took aside his greatest field general, an honorable man who had won many battles, and upon whose chest bore proof of his madness, and Saban spake, “You must bring us victory today.” And it was so.
For the field general led his division onto the field, and no matter how much the Army was attacked by that Mighty Soldier of the West, the Army of Saban repelled him. And they crushed the Lone Star defenses, and laid waste to their barricades, and they frightened their hounds, and they saw onlookers in military garb, and they said, “Come down from your high places and face us!” But those within ear shot turned and ran from the wrath before them.
And the battle waged on until the bitter evening, and helmet cleaved and shield shattered, ended finally, and the Dark Lord, this time, had the mastery. And though the mighty solider’s seal may be worth countless chests of silver and gold and jewels of worth, the Army Triumphant marched back to the Promised Land with the crown of victory on their brow.