Thirsty Thursday is tonight, Gents. Two dollar beers change the entire dynamic of your interaction with the sporting-concession complex. Overpriced becomes commodity. You cannot approach the situation as you would on an average evening, because it’s not an average evening. It’s Thirsty Thursday. Do it right.
THIRSTY THURSDAY AT REGIONS PARK: Beers, Ranked
(Note: Only $2 beers are ranked. This is not the night for Mountain Skye Hopdragon Burnination Imperial IPA. This is the night for quarts of American and pseudo-Mexican lager down your throat hole.)
1) Dos Equis Lager in a can (4.8% ABV). Probably the highest quality $2 beer in the park. Frequently sold at lower-traffic portable coolers. The can is vital to keeping everything cold when Alabama 103-in-the-shade summer arrives. Almost justifies you wearing that sombrero.
2) Coors Original on draft (5.0% ABV). When you’re looking to do the job with all possible haste and efficiency, turn to the Banquet Beer, the highest ABV $2 selection. A taste of Americana. Makes you hum that Smokey and the Bandit song in your head. Final swigs may taste like aluminum foil.
3) Miller Lite on draft (4.2% ABV). The most unwavering chuggable selection available. Look at the wonder in the eyes of your concessions professional as you take your 2 Miller Lites, return to the back of the line, and finish them both before you get to the front again.
4) Yuengling on draft (4.4 % ABV). A quality brew that is somewhat less enjoyable as the mercury rises in the thermometer. More sparsely found in the park than its tapped friends listed above. May still be useful for those of you concerned that someone from your gardening club might see you drinking Coors.
5) Modelo Especial in a can (4.4 % ABV). Somewhat lighter than Dos Equis Lager. May be useful if you want to stay south of the border while also making room for 7 cuban tacos.
6) Coors Light draft/can (4.2% ABV). Absolutely no reason to drink this when Coors Banquet is available.
What would make Thirsty Thursday better?